and, of course, protestations that I not kill myself. As you are
hearing from me now you may rest assured, I am still alive.
Now...
Glory be and hallelujah, I came to my senses the next day. I only let
Elliot cry that one night (which, btw, he cried about an hour and then
fell asleep, but I felt so miserable that, even after HE was asleep, I
couldn't sleep. And the next day he was... well, he wasn't unhappy,
but he was sooooo tired. And yes, I STILL feel guilty about this. I
am assured, through his behavior and such, that my little love has NOT
been scarred for life, but every time I think about him crying alone
in his crib I just get this rush of awful feeling. *shudder*)
[I just went back and re-read this... I want to mention that those of
you who wrote me and told me that you let your kids cry have my full
support. I totally believe that whatever is right for you and your
baby is right. I just mean that this isn't right for me, that's all.]
So, this wretched circumstance was brought about by a combination of
two things. The first was that I was exhausted, and bewildered as to
what I could do to help Elliot sleep better. The second is that Waxor
was determined to help me, because he came home that day to find me
on the verge of tears. When he asked me what was wrong I broke down
and responded something like this:
"I'm tired and Elliot won't sleep, and I miss adults, and I'm fat, and
it's not baby fat, it's just fat fat, and I am hungry all the time,
and I never get to talk to anyone, and I'm ugly, and my dog
diiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
never got to (hic) cry about it (hic) because if I cry (hic) it upsets
the baaaaabiiiiiiiieeeeee!"
As you can imagine I was not at my moment of greatest mental clarity
and judgement. So, Waxor, in a vain attempt to help, and I, allowing
my fatigure to cloud my better sense, decided to let him cry it out.
And as we cannot change the past and I cannot rectify this mistake, I
will now move on...
I've gotten a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I like it. I
like what the woman says and I like her attitude and I like her
philosophy. She says at one point, look, the only way to change a
baby's sleep habit is either with crying or with time. It was nice to
have someone give me suggestions without telling me that it was going
to work like a charm in three days. I've read it and am putting
together a plan, and I have hopes that in the next month or so I will
be sleeping pretty well.
That's the good. The bad is that in the past two or three days Elliot
has started waking up a lot. Like, as in, last night he woke up 12
times. He's also been gnawing on stuff and has a bump on his top gum,
and I'm really hoping that all this is coincidental and he is NOT
teething this early. It's possible, but not terribly common. I do
know that he gets pretty bad gas at night, so, against all
recommendations, I'm letting him sleep on his stomach (everyone, feel
free to tell me I shouldn't). I finally decided to let him today.
He's 16 weeks, and the real danger zone is 1 month to 4 months, and
the poor guy just can't sleep on his back. I hope it helps him sleep
at night (I say as I come back from the first of his night wakings -
45 minutes after he went to sleep. Sigh.)
And thus ends my sleep report. I am, as you might imagine, tired and
lacking in coherency, but I've got a few other things to share with
you.
Aside from the sleeping thing Elliot is a joy. I have about 27
"favorite things" that he does, and I can't pick which is the best.
Maybe when he smiles when he sees me, or maybe how he holds my index
finger (not my thumb, not my other fingers, specifically my index
finger) when he nurses. Or maybe it's how he sticks his feet straight
up in the air whenever he can, and then squeals when he sees his toes.
Waxor has been doing his dead level best to help me all he can. This
morning he hauled himself out of bed at 7 so I could sleep for a bit
before he left for work. All this in the midst of his company
frantically trying to get a deal worked out with "the christians".
"The Christians" are a group of guys who want to use skywards
technology to offer an exclusive package to churches around the
country. If it goes forward they stand to make a nice chunk of change
off of it...
Chimbasa is lonely. He misses Mishka, and he also misses all the
attention he used to get. I try to pat his head alot, but I think
he's getting jealous of the "other puppy." Whenever Elliot goes down
for a nap Bito and I spend some quality moments on head scratches.
I probably have more to say, but at the moment I really ought to go to
bed before Elliot wakes up again (Im' predicting that'll be in 20
minutes) so I'll make this one short and send another one soon.
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